Saturday, January 27, 2007

A second voice

After a long distraction with life, I'm back to put my words down. Vernin put it down more eloquently, but I'm also here to figure some shit out.

Almost four years ago in an act of desperation mixed with curiosity I went down to the strip mall to enlist in the us air force. I was tired of working for peanuts and being trapped in the cube. I was going mad. I was newly married with a wife from out of the country that I needed to support, but I also had to escape my mundane job and life. Now to many, a stint in the military at a time when a cowboy is in charge is nothing short of madness, but as I just said I was going mad myself. It wasn't quite patriotism that led me into the recruiter's office, I mean we had just invaded Iraq and I thought it was a mistake from the beginning. I think I wanted to join the club. I wanted the experience of it all. My father had done it. I wanted to be apart of the fraternity of those who have learned to wear a uniform flawlessly down to the last detail and how to drill on a parade field in perfect synchronization. Ultimately I wanted to become one of those that have trained their minds to make the ultimate sacrifice for their country whether they believed in the cause or not. Maybe I saw too many images of the noble American soldier selflessly serving his country in foreign lands, and I wanted to do that too. I wanted to do something honorable. I wanted gain the stoicism of a warrior, which I compared to the stoicism of the Bushido culture I observed while living in Japan. I was excited to perfect myself. I enjoyed boot camp as I was molded by military discipline. In fact, some of the hype is true. There is something to be said for it. I was proud on graduation day as I marched in perfect step across the parade ground in my air force blues with my family watching. When the parade was over we stood locked at attention and waited as our families rushed from the bleachers to greet us and see the changes we had undergone is such a short period. Unfortunately it starts to look more and more like an average job the longer you stay in.

In fact, there are many cubicles in the Air Force. Furthermore, when I didn't find the samurai-like lifestyle I was hoping for my fascination wained and I longed for freer days. Maybe I should have joined the Marines, maybe they could have really shaped my mind, maybe the air force is just too half-assed. See, I wanted to blindly follow the group and quiet my mind, and sleep content every night. I thought the US military could do that for me. Perception is everything. I've realized I can't let go of society like a true soldier should. I wasn't able to divorce myself from the politics and my moral hangups on how the government uses the US military.

Besides that, I can't wait to let it all hang out out again. I can't wait to get back to rambling around the globe free again. I've got a feeling that I'll still feel moral weight to try to change something. Now's the time to sort it out.

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