The Pentagon's Got a Public Affairs Office...

They say the only stupid question is the one you don't ask:

Dear Sirs;

I was interested to hear that it is the official position of Secretary of Defense Gates, and presumably the Department of Defense as a whole, that criticism of the surge in Iraqistan emboldens the enemy. General Petraeus went so far as to say that it gives aid and comfort to the enemy. I couldn’t agree more. I’ve always thought that the very idea of having the actions of the President constrained by both a Congress, and the public at large, projects an image of weakness to our enemies. The ultimate goal of getting rid of the burden that Congress, Free Speech and the democratic system of government established by the Constitution is probably too large an issue to take up in a single email. In the mean time, I would like to know what I can do in my capacity as a private citizen to fight against this second front in the Global War on Terrorism.

I would like to bring your attention to Josh, who sits two cubicles down from me at work. When he first started working at the office, I noticed that he had a “No Blood for Oil” button on his backpack. When I brought this to the attention of Human Resources, they notified that no matter how anti-American his personal views were, they could neither fire him nor drag him out into the alley behind the office to beat some sense in to him. Indeed, they even went so far as to tell me that I would be fired if I attempted to do so on my own initiative.

Since then, he has gone on to verbally disparage our Glorious Leader on an almost daily basis, both criticizing specific policies in Iraqistan, and generally. The other day he even went so far as to call Our Leader a “Needle dicked bug fucker.” I’m not really sure what he even means by that, but I assume that it has negative connotations. He reads pro-terrorist propaganda, such as the New York Times and CNN, while surfing the web on company time, and frequently calls attention to their defeatist propaganda to others. He is, in short, helping to further the Enemy’s objectives on the home front by turning Americans against the war in Iraqistan.

Since he is giving aid and comfort to the enemy, and directly working to undermine our military actions in Iraqistan, I would like to know how it is possible to neutralize the threat that he poses to our way of life. Ideally, I think that he should be designated an Enemy Combatant and sent to Guantanamo. I understand that there are some difficulties involved in this. For example, he is not a Muslim so you will not be able to exert psychological pressure on him by desecrating the Koran or smearing him with menstrual blood. But I’m sure that a steady regime of beatings, sleep depravation, mock executions and other forms of harsh treatment falling short of torture will have him confessing to being in league with the Evil Doers before too long.

On a broader note, I live in New York City and, as I’m sure that you understand, I hear negative comments about Our Glorious Leader on a fairly regular basis. It would be convenient if there were a hotline that I could call when this happens to bring these traitors to the Global War on Terror to justice. That way loyal patriotic Americans such as myself could help fight this domestic insurgency against our continued success in the Global War On Terrorism.

Yours in eternal struggle against the forces of evil,

V Jones